


Whispers In The Dark

by Starkvenger



Series: Half-Life VR But The AI Have Fanfiction [5]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR but the AI are Self-Aware
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Blood and Gore, Blood and Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Dissociation, Dysfunctional Family, Flashbacks, Gen, Gordon has PTSD, Heavy Angst, I cannot stress this enough this couuld be very triggering for someone, Injury, Major Character Injury, Memories, No Gordon Tag While Fandoms Are Combined, Not A Game AU, Not Beta Read We Die Like Coomer Clones, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, Violence, Whump, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26622295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starkvenger/pseuds/Starkvenger
Summary: Benry and Joshua are hanging out- something they've done before, and something they'll probably do again. Why Gordon trusted the eldritch being with his 5-year-old son, he'll never know.Everything's fine and dandy until Benry and Joshua start whispering to one another.It's just too familiar for Gordon.
Relationships: Benrey & Bubby & Tommy Coolatta & Dr. Coomer & Gordon Freeman, Benrey & Joshua Freeman, Gordon Freeman & Joshua Freeman
Series: Half-Life VR But The AI Have Fanfiction [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892632
Comments: 10
Kudos: 130





	Whispers In The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Got this idea from Twisted over on discord- hope I do your idea justice my dude ;P
> 
> Also, I suck at writing young kids but I'm trying to get better at it- hopefully, Josh is realistic.
> 
> MAJOR TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.

\- - -

Gordon sighed as he leaned forward in his desk chair, one hand tangled in his hair and supporting his head as he struggled to keep his thoughts in a cohesive line. He scratched a line with his pen through something he'd just written down, causing him to sigh and shake his head at his own stupidity.

He sat up slightly and dropped the pen on the stack of papers- government papers. Why couldn't these guys go digital already? He'd been at this for nearly two weeks, filing papers for Black Mesa (or what was left of it) making reports, getting into contact with various members of various governments in an attempt to keep everything that had happened back at that hellhole of a workplace on the down-low. 

Gordon wasn't sure how he'd have handled this if he'd had to search for a new job at the same time. For the umpteenth time, he was grateful for the hush money from Mr. Coolatta- it would hold him and his son Joshua over for decades if Gordon budgeted it correctly. 

Speaking of Joshua...

A giggle came from the living room, followed by an almost mechanical cackle. Gordon shook his head at the sounds, glancing back down at his paper as he dropped his hand from his hair and wrung it around the base of his prosthetic- which was still holding a pen. He detached it from the metallic fingers and set it on the desk, continuing to rub the spot where metal met marred flesh. 

The prosthetic had been a gift from both Dr. Coomer and Bubby after the group had finally managed to leave that forsaken facility. A way to say sorry, he supposed, for everything that had happened, as well as a way to flex their minds in their different areas of expertise. Gordon brought a hand up to scratch at the back of his head absently, bringing the other up to tighten his ponytail before dropping his arms and resting them on the sides of the desk chair. 

There was a crash from the living room followed by a loud foghorn sound, causing the physicist to glance towards the door to his office.

Maybe he should check on them.

Gordon stood, popping his back before moving towards the large wooden door. His hand hovered over the handle for a moment when he heard his son laugh, the sound bringing a warm smile to his face. It wouldn't hurt to take a break and hang out with him for a bit.

Gordon pushed the door open and was greeted by two pairs of eyes looking up at him from the floor, one, holding a lego figure in his hand while the other scrambled up from the carpet to hug Gordon's leg. "Hey, cowboy," he said, ruffling the boy's hair before picking him up and setting him on his hip. "You bein' good?"

Joshua nodded excitedly, a wide smile on his face. "Are you done workin' daddy?" he asked, wide green eyes mirrors of Gordon's own. The man chuckled and glanced towards Benry, who had tossed the figure onto the carpet and was standing up currently. 

"For a little bit. You want some lunch?" he asked, looking back towards his son and getting another excited nod. 

"Yes! Me an' Benny played cowboy bandits, and he builded a big train outta legos," his son explained as he carried the boy to the kitchen. He assumed Benry would follow, and he did, plopping down at the bar beside the 5-year-old. "And I was the super cowboy hero and saved the day!" he said happily, kicking his feet as Gordon started gathering things to make grilled cheese sandwiches.

"Oh yeah?" he asked, his back to the boy as he turned on the stove. "Super Cowboy, huh? What's Super Cowboy's powers?" he asked, setting a skillet down on the stovetop. He glanced over his shoulder to find the curly-haired boy deep in thought, his face scrunched up as Benry watched him curiously.

"He could uh, fly, right? Superman Shhh.....stuff," the man caught himself, causing Gordon to raise an eyebrow at him and Joshua to giggle at him. 

"Yeah! Yeah, Super Cowboy can fly and he's gots laser eyes so he can cut the bad guys in half like bang!" Joshua explained excitedly. 

"Mhm- what else can he do?" Gordon asked, turning his attention back to the stove.

\- - -

After lunch was taken care of and Gordon had to sit through watching Benry stuff an entire sandwich into his mouth at one time (wait did he just unhinge his fucking jaw- NO JOSHIE DON'T TRY THAT-) he, unfortunately, had more work to do. As much as he really didn't want to do it, Gordon knew when it was time to be a responsible adult and do the things demanded of him.

Even if no one else on the Science Team had to do those things.

"Alright, I'll be in my office if you guys need me. Make sure that you-" Gordon paused at his door, the easy smile on his face as he spoke freezing at the sight of Benry sitting cross-legged on the floor beside his son and whispering something in his ear dramatically. 

It shouldn't have solicited a reaction out of him, it was just some harmless whispering- but Gordon could feel his insides twist violently at the sight, his grip on the doorframe tightening ever so slightly. His heart sped up as Joshua snickered- that last time that had happened-

_The darkness that surrounded him was suffocating. The light choked out with a cackle and a screech of metal._

_He couldn't see- why had the lights gone out? Someone grabbed his arm and yanked him violently to the side with a grunt. Fear clawed at his insides as he struggled against the strong grip. There was a laugh and more screeching metal. A buzz and a gasp._

_"Mr. Freeman!"_

_The darkness was trapping him, keeping him from knowing what was happening, keeping him from fighting back- he choked out a gasp as someone grabbed his throat and slammed him to the floor. His head bounced off the ground and would have sent his vision spiraling had he been able to see anything._

_Something collided with his gut, causing him to wheeze and for blood to come rushing up his throat. He coughed, hearing the splatter against some kind of fabric. A grunt, and Gordon felt his hair being pulled, yanking his head up roughly before a fist collided with his jaw. The impact sent him tumbling over, lying back on the ground and shaking as pain swelled in his jaw._

_What had he done to deserve this? Why was this happening?! Where was his team!?_

_"Wh-what-"_

_The buzzing kicked up and a laugh came from whoever had picked him up to hold him still again. Gordon tried to thrash, but the ache in his chest and the blood coming from his nose just caused him to sputter._

_Panic gripped him tightly as he realized he'd been betrayed- the whispering, the accusatory glances- it had all been leading up to this. Were they gonna kill him?_

_Who would take care of Joshua once he was gone?_

_"Wait, you're not supposed to-"_

_"What are they doing to his-"_

_"Oh God..."_

_A sudden, searing pain coursed through his body as something sliced through his arm, causing him to scream his throat raw. Blood stained the corners of his mouth as his lower arm went numb and he was dropped unceremoniously onto the ground._

_Gordon tried to curl in on himself, attempting to stop whatever punishment these people felt they needed to carry out with him. Fear and pain coursed through him, his only thoughts trying to will the people around him to stop._

_Just stop._

_Please...stop..._

Gordon came back to himself with a gasp, his body trembling as his grip tightened on the doorframe and gained the attention of both Benry and Josh. They glanced towards him, his son in confusion and Benry with concern before Gordon shoved himself away from the frame and staggered into his office, shutting the door behind him and locking it.

The room was dark- he's turned off the lights when he'd left, but his desk lamp was still on, casting light over the documents he still needed to review. 

The man's heart was beating heavily in his chest, his left hand coming up to clutch the worn fabric of his sweater as he trembled. He couldn't think straight- his nerves were shot and panic was invading his mind. 

**It's gonna happen again.**

**Joshua's in on it now.**

**They're gonna turn your son against you.**

**They're gonna finish the job this time.**

**They're gonna _kill_ you, Gordon. **

Gordon gasped, stumbling over his own feet as a sudden sob came loose from his throat. He managed to get to a wall, one he vaguely registered as being beside his desk, and slid down it, trembling as he pulled his knees close to his chest. His breathing was erratic as he buried his face in his knees, trying to will the fear and panic to go away.

Everything around him was a haze, a blurry, noisy mess of things he couldn't figure out right now. His arm was aching, only causing his grip to tighten around his legs as he sobbed. He felt utterly and truly alone, left with his demons to squeal and scratch and claw at him, gutting him until he had nothing left and they could leave him alone, a husk of his former self.

He wanted to die.

Anything to keep them from hurting him again, anything to keep the monsters at bay, keep them from doing it again- 

Another choked sob escaped him.

Gordon barely registered a sound at the door- the light that was cast from under it shifted, being partially blocked out by multiple moving things. He didn't see it- didn't _want_ to see it. The door was locked, he should have been safe, they couldn't get in if the door was locked-

A soft click caused him to dig his nails into his calves, the pressure sharp against his jeans. The door slowly craked open, casting light into the dark room and onto a shaking, sobbing Gordon Freeman huddled in the corner next to his desk. 

This was it. This was how he died. They were going to finish him off, and he was never going to be able to watch his son grow up. They were going to twist his child's mind, make him hate his father and there was nothing he could do about it-

Something warm touched his foot. He flinched. It retracted. 

"Gordon...?" a soft voice said, only causing the man to hug himself tighter. The endless, echoing loop of his name being said, bouncing off the walls of the blood-stained chamber as hundreds of clones advanced on him, trying to tear him apart piece by piece and wear him like a suit. 

He whimpered softly. 

Something else blocked the light that had suddenly been shining on him. A much colder hand touched his shoe this time. "Feet...Gordon," the voice dug its claws into his mind, causing the man to bury his head further into his knees and bring his arms up to shield himself.

The massive, towering beast that cackled mechanically and oozed inky black liquid from its eyes. The glowing orbs of light that came from its mouth, the terrifying, shark-like jaws and piercing yellow eyes, the anger and disappointment and frustration in its voice-

The figure drew its hand back and backed away.

"I- I have an idea," someone said, but Gordon barely heard them. He could feel a pair of eyes on him, watching him closely- why couldn't they just do it already? Stop leaving him in this agonizing suspense and do what they came here for?

A hiccuped sob broke free from his throat. He tightened his grip on his hair, now digging his nails into his scalp. The pain almost grounded him. _Almost_.

A familiar quick thudding of feet almost caused Gordon to look up on instinct- but fear quickly overrode that thought, causing him to tense further and try to stay as still as possible. The thudding got closer, and something small touched his forearm.

Something he recognized intrinsically. 

Gordon risked a glance up, his eyes red and puffy and still leaking tears, only to find his son, Joshua, standing in front of him with his small hand on his father's arm. There was concern in his little green eyes, eyes that were so similar to Gordon's own. He was scared and sad for his father.

"Daddy?" he questioned, causing Gordon's lip to wobble and for him to uncurl enough to bring the boy close to his chest and hold him there. He shut his eyes tightly, one hand on the back of his son's head and the other wrapped around him tightly, taking in the sound of his breathing, the rhythm of his heartbeat against his own erratic one, the soft fabric of his shirt. 

"Why are you sad, daddy?" Joshua asked, his voice slightly muffled as he spoke against Gordon's hair. 

Gordon drew in a shaky, hiccuping breath, his eyes still shut as he uncurled a little more. "D-Daddy's okay, Joshie," he tried, only for his son to pull back and give him a pout he'd seen plenty of times when Gordon tried to hide the whole truth about something from his son.

This caused the man to give his son a watery chuckle and bring a thumb up to caress his small cheek. He drew in a breath, keeping his gaze locked on the boy in front of him. He was all that mattered right now. "Daddy just..." he tried to figure out how to word this in a way that Joshua would understand.

"Daddy had some scary stuff happen to him, buddy," he tried to explain, getting another concerned look from his son. " Stuff that makes daddy have really bad dreams," he said, bringing his hand up to cup his son's face and give him another tired, watery smile. "But it happened a long time ago, and daddy-" he sighed shakily. "Daddy just has some trouble sometimes and forgets that," he continued, dropping his gaze slightly.

"Like your robot hand bad dream?" Josh asked, grabbing the hand that Gordon had been using to cup his son's face, his prosthetic, and pulling it into his lap to inspect it. Of course, his son would out him like that. The kid caught him having a nightmare about this exact situation once already and now he was never gonna live that down.

"Yeah, buddy...like the robot hand bad dream...except this time, daddy was awake when the bad dream happened," he said, some more of the tension leaving his body. 

Joshua gave him a sad look before lurching forward to hug his neck tightly again. Gordon wrapped his arms around the boy and held him tight, trying to let the anxiety and fear wash away as he drew in a long, steadying breath and let it out. He was safe- Joshua was safe. They were in his home, and nothing was going to change that. 

When Joshua pulled back again, he was smiling. And goddammit if his kid's smile wasn't contagious.

"Thank you, sheriff," Gordon said, causing the boy to giggle. "You're really good at makin' daddy feel better."

"I'm the bestest in the west!" Joshua said happily as he clambered out of his father's lap and took off towards the door. He weaved between the legs of the people standing there, watching, and Gordon's eyes trailed up to look at them.

"Hey..." he said, his voice full of exhaustion as he leaned back against the wall. "Can...can you turn the light on?" he asked slowly. Dr. Coomer reached out and flicked on the light, and the group took that as an invitation to stop lingering in the door and come inside. 

Gordon swallowed thickly, not ready to get up from his spot on the floor just yet. He vaguely wondered what Josh had gone to do, but upon hearing a nasally laugh, he realized the boy must have been in the living room with Darnold.

"Mr. Freeman...?" Tommy said, breaking the silence and causing the man to glance towards him tiredly. "I-is what you said true...? Do you- do you have nightmares because of Black Mesa?" he asked anxiously, fiddling with the hem of his patterned button-up.

Gordon let out a soft sigh. Of course, he did. How could he not? "Yeah..." he breathed, dropping his gaze to the floor. "That place was kind of Hell on Earth if you remember."

"Gordon, why didn't you tell us you were struggling?" Dr. Coomer asked, his eyebrows pinched together in worry. Why didn't he tell them? They were the source of half of it- how could he?

"It's not important."

"That's bullshit and you know, it, Freeman," Bubby snapped, his expression softening ever so slightly as he stared at the man on the floor. "You're important to us, you idiot. If you have a problem, then we need to know about it. We can't have you going off and crumbling on us cause you won't talk about your fucking feelings," he said, causing Gordon to look him in the eyes.

"Bubby's right, Mr. Freeman. We're your friends, we- we wanna help you in any way that we can," Tommy said, tilting his head slightly. 

"Feetman doesn't come to us cause _we're_ the reason his brain's save data is all out of wack," Benry said from where he was leaning against the bookshelf, hugging himself loosely. 

"What?" Dr. Coomer questioned.

"Look at him," Benry said, gesturing towards Gordon with a hand. "The guy's missing an entire fuckin' arm and obviously has some kind of- of PTSD- and we're the big bads that cause that. _We're_ the final bosses that screwed Feetman over and ruined his perfect run."

The group looked back towards him. "Gordon... is that true?" Coomer asked slowly.

He really didn't want to have this conversation. Gordon averted his eyes and was back to hugging himself. "I...I forgave you guys," he said. That was true- he'd long since forgiven them for everything they'd done while in Black Mesa. 

But that didn't mean he didn't still fear them, deep down in his core.

"That's not it, is it?" Bubby asked, folding his arms over his chest.

"I..." Gordon looked up at them. "No."

He sighed. Whatever- might as well get it off his chest now. He'd held onto it for long enough, he supposed. 

"Look...what happened back in Black Mesa... the- the violence, the clones, the prototypes, the arm- I... I forgive you for that. I don't hold it against you...or I try not to." he swallowed thickly, glancing around the group.

"But I'm _terrified_ of you guys."

He dropped his gaze again. "You- you guys are a crazy, chaotic bunch, and I love you for that...but I can't just forget what happened in there. I can forgive, yes, but I can't forget. I was sure that I was going to die, that I was never going to come home and that Joshua was going to have to grow up without his father, and you guys didn't make getting out of there any easier."

"I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes gasping for breath and breaking down if it's too dark. Phantom pain still shoots through my arm and reminds me of the agony and dread I felt when that med bay room door slammed shut and no one moved to help me. I'm scared of fucking _echoes_ for Christ's sake because it's just a little too similar to the buzzing, chattering voices of clones trying to crawl into my skin and wear me like a suit."

He sniffed, bringing his good hand up to rub at his face tiredly. "When I saw Benrey whispering to Joshua...all the fear and anxiety from back then came rushing back, flooding my head and telling me one thing- that it was happening again, and there was nothing I could do to stop it." 

He was crying again. Gordon could feel the tears trailing down his cheeks, but he didn't care- he needed to say this, needed to get it out before the will to speak left him. 

"I take anxiety medication now and flinch at loud sounds. I can't take baths or mow the lawn myself because the motor is just...too similar."

Gordon let out a shaky breath and rubbed his eyes on his shoulder, trying to get rid of the tears. "I didn't want to talk to you guys cause I didn't want you to think that I hadn't forgiven you for that. I have- there's no doubt in my mind that I have. But the fear that still grips me isn't something that just...goes away."

Dr. Coomer came a little closer before sitting down beside him- just close enough so that their knees were touching. Bubby and Tommy followed his lead, as well as Benry. They sat in a circle on the ground in Gordon's office just like they used to do back in that God-forsaken facility. Coomer put a hand on his knee- it was warm and grounding and comforting, the opposite of what it had been like earlier.

"I can't tell you just how sorry I am to have caused you this kind of distress, Gordon. It hurts my heart to know that you've been struggling on your own for so long."

"Yeah...For...for what it's worth, Gordon...I'm sorry." Bubby muttered. "I can assure you that something like that will never happen again. The Neo Science Team has your back, even if you _are_ an insufferable prick."

"Y-yeah, Mr. Freeman! we're like a weird, jumbled up family now. What's- what's that one saying about bonds and family and stuff?"

Dr. Coomer lit up. _"I found family among strangers, the ones I proudly call mine. Neither are we connected by vicinity nor distanced by miles. We bond over pain, the only thing that never becomes too threadbare to detach,"_ he recited as if it were another one of his Wikipedia articles. 

"Things may not have affected us as much as they have you, Mr. Freeman, but..." Tommy rubbed the back of his neck. "I- I think I can speak for everyone when I say that no one left that place untouched. If- If nothing else, we get it."

Benry set his hand on Gordon's other knee awkwardly. "We're bros, Feetman. We got your back."

"I get that you're scared, Gordon. It's only logical you would be. But I hope you'll give us a chance to earn your trust once more."

A small smile graced his face, and he could feel tears pricking in the corners of his eyes again- though it was different this time. He nodded, letting out a steadying breath. Of course, he'd give them another chance. 

They were his dysfunctional, violent little family. What else was he supposed to do?

\- - -

**Author's Note:**

> And that's that about that. I hope you guys enjoyed this one-shot!
> 
> Whump/comfort is always fun to write.


End file.
